Put Fear in its Place

Bidding farewell to Anita after our amazing weekend at the Omega Institute
June 2016

I am intrigued by Anita Moorjani's counter view to the adage, "fear keeps you safe." Following her near death experience, she expressed, "fear doesn't keep you safe; love keeps you safe." She explains that when you love yourself unconditionally, when you live in a state of self-love and self-respect, you remain safe because you don't put yourself in a position where you wouldn't be safe. You wouldn't do that to yourself.

Grabbing breakfast to go on my two-mile daily trek along Pearl Street in Boulder
August 2016

At my coaching conference last month in Boulder, I stood in front of our class of thirty and interacted with Newfield's founder, Julio Olalla. I shared my declaration, "I do what I fear." I produced this in response to reflections about times in my life when fear, rather than opportunity, had driven decisions. Julio asked me to step back and consider how the emotion of fear can be protective, how it makes us pause to assess a situation. If we feel fear because we sense danger, our first act is to assess the potential for harm. If we find it, we can act accordingly to stay safe. If we don't, we can move on, leaving the fear, and our encounter with it, behind.

Within their respective contexts, Anita's and Julio's apparent opposite views both seemed true - "fear doesn't keep you safe" and "fear does keeps you safe." As I pondered this paradox, a story from my childhood pulled up to the curb and clarity stepped out wearing a little baseball cap.

When I was five years old, tee-ball didn't exist. For reasons I can't fathom now, adult men in 1962 thought it was a good idea to have five-year-old pitchers. Of course they sucked (no offense intended to today's five-year-olds), and the very first pitch for my very first time at bat resulted in a bruise the size of an orange on my left hip! That could have been my first and last time in an organized team baseball game. And if I had had my way, it would have been. I went into that game with no fear. I came away from that at-bat full of fear. A five-year-old can't reason with odds. I could have easily given harbor to the fear of that wayward pitch and left team baseball for good. But Poppa D, my best friend's dad, knew that. He took Lee and me to every game, often umpiring behind home plate. He cajoled me and encouraged me to stick with it when I didn't want to. I eventually stepped up to that plate again, and against all odds, played that full season of baseball.

This recollection brought to mind a distinction that made sense of the apparently opposite views expressed by Anita and Julio. When that pitch hit me, it ignited the emotion of fear. Then, when I agonized about ever going to a game again, the intense fear emotion from that singular event settled into a persistent mood of fear and dread around baseball. It was only with Poppa D's help that I was able to overcome this. 

If we feel fear because we sense danger, our first act is to assess the potential for harm. If we find it, we can act accordingly to stay safe. If we don't, we can move on, leaving the fear, and our encounter with it, behind.

And there's the rub - leaving the fear behind. Leaving a fearful encounter behind doesn't necessarily leave the fear behind. Dragging the fear, real or imagined, with us, transforms the protective fear emotion into a potentially debilitating mood of fear, empowered to affect our future.

With that, I had my answer. Anita and Julio are both right. Anita is referring to a persistent fearful mood or state of being. Julio is referring to a transient fear emotion. Feeling the emotion of fear in a moment can keep you safe. Living in that state, in a mood of fear, most certainly doesn't. It can leave you stuck and worse.

Thanks to Julio, I rewrote my declaration while honoring the truth that lives in Anita's insight. It begins,

"I take action and engage with my fear...

because I no longer deny my fear emotion. We are not in control of the emotions that simply arise. I neither deny the fear emotion, acting in spite of it, nor do I give it safe harbor, taking on its mood. Rather, I acknowledge it and engage with it. I dance with it, doing so

...in the spirit of learning,...

because all emotions, including fear, are instructive. Every emotion gives us feedback about our lives and how we are relating to our world and our circumstances. I don't simply feel the fear and hope it goes away. I examine it and pull it up by the root, 

...greeting both so-called success and failure, loss and gain, with curiosity, gratitude and love...

for a very specific reason, namely,

to continually enhance, advance, and fulfill my life purpose."


I take action and engage with my fear in the spirit of learning, greeting both so-called success and failure, loss and gain, with curiosity, gratitude and love to continually enhance, advance, and fulfill my life purpose.

Now it's your turn to put fear in its place with this powerful act. Examine your relationship with fear. Find your voice. Then declare its healthy place in your life.

For the Sake of What?

So much of what we do, so much of what we want, so many of our dreams and aspirations swirl around this question, "for the sake of what?" This is a coaching question that stands at the edge between many breakdowns and breakthroughs.

The events of September 11, 2001 shook the United States and the watching world to the core. Millions turned inward to examine their lives as they felt the loss and heartache accompanying these tragic attacks. Millions questioned how they were spending their precious moments. Millions asked themselves, "for the sake of what?" were they engaged in their current day-to-day lives and in their dream state of a future they wished for.

Today, I offer my heart and a coaching question for you to ponder as you explore your own answers. I wish you curiosity and wonder on your journey.

Coaching

  • Partnering in a creative, thought-provoking process to inspire and ignite the potential in your life

Inquiry

  • What coaching might look like to a fly on the wall

   Coach questions... Coachee stories...   
      Coach questions... Coachee explanations...
         Coach questions... Coachee assessments...
            Coach questions... Coachee interpreted meaning...
           
Our life experience is rich with stories. Stories we tell ourselves and others with explanations that support the assessments and opinions we hold about the meaning we attach to them. But coaching doesn't live there. It only visits long enough to create the context to look forward with powerful questioning, like:

"For the sake of what?"

This powerful question speaks into being a compelling pause. A pause with the power to yield insights and breakthroughs with no need to dwell in, or justify, the past.

Powerful coaching is masterful questioning. Masterful coaching is powerful questioning. Questioning that leads us from living in our stories to drawing from them to create our hoped-for future.

For the sake of what are you working long hours?
For the sake of what do you want to get married?
For the sake of what are you choosing this career?
For the sake of what do you wish to be with this person?
For the sake of what are you making this change?

"For the sake of what..." - now you fill in the blank. But before you respond, get out of your head. This is a "purpose" question who's "why" lives in your gut, not your brain. Don't rush to the question, and don't justify your answer. First feel it. And then give it voice.

Need help with a quiet mind to do this exercise? Meditation can help. Visit the Resources page and go to the "Meditation" section to see if something suits you. Or, for a quick start, head right to Calm and step into this journey right now.