Taming Worry, Part 3 of 3 - Small Shifts, Bold Moves

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"Taming Worry" is a three-part series for day-to-day living that explores Renunciation, a very practical Buddhist main path.
"Part 1 - Meeting Your Edge," reframes how you relate to issues that cause angst, leaving you worried and stuck;
"Part 2 - The Practice," explains how to move forward and bring whatever is holding you back into your experience; and
"Part 3 - Small Shifts, Bold Moves," ties it all together, showing how this practice can help you cope with life's day-to-day issues as well as its larger challenges.

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In 1996, I made a bold move. I joined a very troubled company as its CEO to lead an extremely difficult turnaround. We sailed smooth waters, tacked against gale force winds, and navigated every storm in-between. Looking back, I am so glad I didn't know what I was getting into. I had no idea what it was going to take when I signed on for that challenge. If I had, I doubt I would have had the courage to take it on. I had to grow into it. I was constantly meeting my edge, pulling experience after experience into my world, building on existing skills and developing new ones along the way to expand it outward. Twenty years later, I made another bold move to enter the next phase of my life.

Life has its share of momentous events and decisions, but generally, it comes at us in bite size pieces. And that's an incredibly practical aspect of our human experience. It allows us to make small shifts, to constantly act and react to events and make incremental adjustments in response to our circumstances without feeling overwhelmed. It feels so normal and natural that we don't give a second thought to the masterful way we make decisions and take actions hundreds of times each day. Our feeling of consistency, predictability and stability comes from this practice. And over time, we get a great deal accomplished that, had it been presented to us all at once, we may have felt incapable or unwilling to tackle without this perspective.

Challenges fall on a spectrum of difficulty with a gap between where we are and where we'd like to be. The larger the challenge, the wider the gap. Eventually the gap widens beyond our perceived ability to close it or cross it with just a shift. We see it as a bold move and we find ourselves stuck and uncomfortable. We solve so many problems with small shifts that we feel this type of situation is fundamentally different. That it requires superhuman effort to resolve it all at once.

The truth is, when issues grow, solutions don't get bigger, they get longer. They don't take more strength, they take more endurance. Small shifts still reign, they still get the job done, and renunciation is still the key. The wide gap we see as requiring a huge leap powered by superhuman strength is a gap of understanding. Saying "yes" to moving forward puts the same process in place that we live by every day - continuous, familiar, small shifts. Tomorrow's core activities won't be that different after that decision. We still get up. Make coffee. Get showered. Get dressed. Place phone calls. Meet with people. Have conversations. Answer email. In other words, "chop wood, carry water." It's not so very different from your normal day-to-day. It may be directed toward a different desired outcome, but the activities aren't that different. The stakes may be higher, but the small shift activities supporting it are familiar.

So the real issue with being stuck and anxious is the gap, not the work. That's why taming worry, through the practice of renunciation, is so effective. Standing on the familiar side of the gap is to stand next to your edge. Your edge of experience. Your edge of understanding. Your edge of familiar. The same edge that expands outward in increments through small shifts. Each shift that supports the bold move loosens the grip of immobilization caused by fear and indecision. Your bold move isn't a move at all. It's a mindset shift. A shift from "No, I can't," to "Yes, I will make small shifts, take one action after another, in the direction of the bold move."

As it turned out, I was capable of leading my company's turnaround, and I would have been capable whether I knew what was coming or not. When I eventually found renunciation, I discovered I'd been practicing it all along. Immersed in the experience, problems and decisions of every size were fundamentally handled the same way. It was a constant stream of meeting my edge at the border of a wide gap, softening, and saying "yes" to the bold move. I consistently took action and made shifts in the direction of a solution. "Yes" reduced the bold move to small shifts. It was the key. It still is.

Taming Worry, Part 2 of 3 - The Practice

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"Taming Worry" is a three-part series for day-to-day living that explores Renunciation, a very practical Buddhist main path.
"Part 1 - Meeting Your Edge," reframes how you relate to issues that cause angst, leaving you worried and stuck;
"Part 2 - The Practice," explains how to move forward and bring whatever is holding you back into your experience; and
"Part 3 - Small Shifts, Bold Moves," ties it all together, showing how this practice can help you cope with life's day-to-day issues as well as its larger challenges.

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In "Taming Worry - Meeting Your Edge," I referenced Pema Chödrön's little book, “The Wisdom of No Escape,” to introduce the practice of renunciation as a means for taming worry. Its focus was renunciation's foundational concept, "meeting your edge." This picks up where that left off, putting renunciation's two parts, awareness and softening, into practice. The following excerpt sets the stage:

"An odd term to western ears, renunciation is a Buddhist main path that is enormously useful in day-to-day life. In practice, it has two parts built on a foundational concept. The first part of the practice involves awareness that, when we're stuck, we're saying "no" to what's before us. The second part describes how to get moving again... 

At the center of renunciation is a reframing of what it means to be stuck. I love Pema's description of this state. She calls it "meeting your edge.""

The Practice in a Nutshell

Part 1: Awareness
Recognizing that being stuck is saying "no"
Worry can come all at once, or it can sneak up on you and grow slowly. Either way, it can take up residence for a long time. This is why the first step in renunciation is to awaken awareness through this conscious thought:

"I am stuck and saying no."

But “no” to what? To uncover those clues, tune in and listen for “no” and “not” in your inner voice:

"No. I can not do this."
"No. I will not face this."
"No. I can not go further."
"No. I do not know how to deal with this."

Use this vigilant listening to stay alert and take notice when you are holding back, closing off, and pulling away. This awareness paves the way to "yes."

Part 2: Softening
Opening up to "yes"
You can't say "yes" until you're clear you're saying "no." Awareness provides that clarity. Then your task is to stop, soften your thoughts, and begin to say "yes." "Yes," I will turn toward this and begin to face it. "Yes," I will open up to what is before me. "Yes", I'm afraid, but I will go forward anyway. "Yes," I will begin to welcome this challenge into my experience, knowing that growth and expansion follows.

Awareness to saying "No"

Pema's analogy for getting stuck is powerful - “meeting your edge.” I love that imagery for hitting your limits. Rather than swirling in a vortex of worried thought, you are standing at the edge of your experience, faced forward.

So your first step when you're stuck is to recognize that you have met the current limit of your experience, your edge. Take a moment now to recall a time when you met your edge. Picture one real experience from your past that walked you to the edge of your experience and try to recall how that felt. Perhaps you were faced with entertaining friends or family for the first time in your home and you were overwhelmed. Perhaps you were faced with the prospect of committing to your first lease, your first car loan or your first mortgage and you were confused and stressed. Perhaps you had to make a health treatment decision for yourself or a loved one that left you feeling stuck and scared. The issue doesn't have to be monumental. The idea is to feel it, to recall the emotion before we move on.

Now, let's bring this closer. Let's practice awareness right now. Read the next paragraph in its entirety. Then pause and do the exercise. Take a moment afterward to gather yourself before continuing.

Bring a current concern to mind that has you "stuck" and is resulting in a vortex of worried thought. Run it through your head as you have so many times before. Close your eyes if you must, but stay with me and limit this to a minute or two. Turn it over. Immerse yourself. Then, while you are still in the midst of that experience, look up, come back to me and read on.

Welcome back. Now you must invite whatever you're resisting into your experience. We'll start by changing your model, your mental image, for what it means to be stuck. Many exist. I've suggested a whirlpool because it resonates with me and parallels the vortex of worried thought that is common to all models. But it could just as easily be a brick wall. Regardless, they all result in circular thoughts that have the same way out.

Reset
The first step is the circuit breaker. You must temporarily stop your circular, worried thoughts. Snap yourself out of it, reset, and become consciously aware you are stuck. Literally stop and tell yourself, out loud, "I am stuck!"

Refocus
Next, take a step back and shift your focus from the issue itself to the mental image you routinely picture when you're stuck. Don't dwell here, just give it enough form that you can mentally separate yourself from it. A whirlpool? A brick wall? A canyon? If you can't initially, don't give up. Do it anyway. Make it up if you have to. Your subconscious knows even if you don't recognize it right away. Giving form to your model for being stuck, calling up the mental image, empowers the next step.

Replace
Now, imagine your life experience to date as being bounded by a thin, closed, curved line. It curves around you in an irregular shape, defining the boundaries of your experience in all aspects of your life. Picture yourself on the inside, looking out over the edge of your experience in all directions. Now walk to the spot on your edge where you imagine your current challenge resides. Standing there, bring your old mental image, your old model for being stuck to mind. Face it. Imagine it's made of sugar and soak it with a hose. Watch it dissolve before your eyes. Don't stop until its a puddle at your feet and that thin line, your edge, is all that remains. You have replaced your old model for life's challenges with the idea that you are simply standing at the edge of your experience.

Reframe
With this paradigm shift comes a reframing of your thinking. Being stuck no longer means circling the problem, caught in a vortex of worried thought. Rather, you are standing still, faced outward toward a universe of experience waiting for you. If you aren't moving, you are simply saying "No." "No" to going forward. "No" to a new experience. "No" to whatever consequences you've imagined will greet you on the other side of that line. Being stuck isn't the cause for not moving forward. It's the result of saying "No." And the obvious antidote is "yes."

Having adopted an awareness mindset and replaced your old paradigm for being stuck with "meeting your edge" and saying "no," you can apply the second principle to move through it.

Softening and saying "Yes"

Knowing that being stuck is saying "no" at the edge of your experience, you can greatly simplify how you approach every challenge. You don't have to conquer them. You simply have to allow them into your life. It isn't battle, it's expansion. The process brings both the challenge and everything required to deal with it into your experience. This isn't just semantics. It is the very definition of personal growth and it is very empowering. Your personal expansion always lies beyond your edge, and it doesn't just expand to encompass a particular challenge. It also expands to encompass every other similar challenge that requires the skills and experience gained when you've met and expanded your edge in any given circumstance.

Going about this is simple. It may not be easy at first, but I can tell you from firsthand experience, it gets easier with practice. Once you're aware you've met your edge, you "soften" your thinking to start moving beyond it with less resistance. To do this, you begin by saying "Yes." "Yes" to acknowledging the challenge. "Yes" to addressing it. "Yes" to bringing it into your experience. And as you do, you begin to dissolve your edge, bit by bit, setting the stage for lifting your head, facing forward and moving into the experience. Your expanded edge is waiting for you, encompassing the experience you are allowing into your life.

The Ultimate Reward: Living Fearlessly

The big payoff for adopting this practice is not just taming your worry, although that alone is worth it. The big payoff over time is living fearlessly. When you adopt this practice in your life, you embark on what Pema Chödrön calls the hero’s journey, the journey of awakening, with a warrior mindset. You continually come up against big challenges, edge after edge, and learn to soften and open. The coward is paralyzed, refusing to let go of rigid, hardened thinking. All thoughts turned inward. Always thinking but no thought as to who is doing the thinking. The letting go, the renunciation, starts with recognizing your state of mind and then beginning the process of being compassionate toward yourself and your predicament; to feel in your heart your compassion and love for yourself and the whole of your human condition. Don’t try to erase your troubled feelings. Sit with them and let them soften. As they do, the edge will soften with it. Your “no” will grow fainter and fainter until it is finally silenced. And then, the vacuum of that silence will call forth a “Yes,” a “Yes” to life, a “Yes” to the next step beyond the edge, and then yet again, until you are left wondering where that edge went. Angst and worry replaced with loving-kindness and playfulness.

As Pema Chödrön puts it, say “Yes” to whatever is put on your plate, “Yes” to whatever knocks on your door, “Yes” to whatever calls you up on your telephone. Observed, this will be an inspiration to others. Your love of life and warrior quality, meeting challenges with humor and an open heart, will resonate with those around you. Saying "Yes" will become your habit and others will follow and respond in kind because they know by your example that they can do the same. Dissolve your edge, push it out, and you never go alone. Others will join your hero's journey to live their lives, like you, fearlessly.

Taming Worry, Part 1 of 3 - Meeting Your Edge

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"Taming Worry" is a three-part series for day-to-day living that explores Renunciation, a very practical Buddhist main path.
"Part 1 - Meeting Your Edge," reframes how you relate to issues that cause angst, leaving you worried and stuck;
"Part 2 - The Practice," explains how to move forward and bring whatever is holding you back into your experience; and
"Part 3 - Small Shifts, Bold Moves," ties it all together, showing how this practice can help you cope with life's day-to-day issues as well as its larger challenges.

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Worry. It can eat you alive. Taming this beast is one of the most useful life skills you can acquire. Before I tamed mine, I could find myself circling back to thoughts over and over again. Stuck and anxious, swirling in a whirlpool of worried thought, I'd relive the past and imagine the future over and over again. It can be debilitating. That’s why I was so excited when I came across a life-changing practice - an indispensable tool that dissolves my anxiety by reframing and transforming how I think about life’s challenges. It has tamed my worry beast.

This gem came from a book my middle daughter received from a dear friend. Inside the front cover was a handwritten note:

“Lauren, 
I opened this book and it whispered your name...”

Years later, when I was dealing with some very difficult issues, Lauren was inspired to share it with me. After digesting “The Wisdom of No Escape,” I understood why. The insights in Pema Chödrön's little book are profound, and this particular topic inspired me to share a portion of Pema’s wisdom from Chapter 11, “Renunciation.”

An odd term to western ears, renunciation is a Buddhist main path that is enormously useful in day-to-day life. In practice, it has two parts built on a foundational concept. The first part of the practice involves awareness that, when we're stuck, we're saying "no" to what's before us. The second part describes how to get moving again. I only touch lightly on the practice here because it is explained in detail in Part 2, "Taming Worry - The Practice." This post is focused on the key concept that underpins renunciation.

At the center of renunciation is a reframing of what it means to be stuck. I love Pema's description of this state. She calls it "meeting your edge." She uses a fable to drive her point home. Here’s my version:

Four people climb a 10,000-foot mountain that gets steeper and more treacherous with elevation.

Half way up, they rest on a ledge and look out over the landscape below. One climber is paralyzed with fear and can’ t move off the ledge. The group of three continues on, leaving the one behind.

At 9,000 feet, they stop again to rest and take in the panorama. When they prepare to ascend the last thousand feet, one of the three can't move. He is exhausted, spent, and paralyzed with fear at the extreme conditions before him. As close as he is, he can’t move off this ledge, so the other two push on, leaving him clinging to the rock.

At the summit, the last two climbers celebrate and dance on the top of the 10,000-foot mountain. They are exhilarated to be there and filled with joy.

Your edge is simply the limits of your current experience. The climbers who couldn't summit met their edge at different places. The two who made it didn't meet their edge at all this time. Just like the climbers, we are all affected differently by the circumstances in our lives. One issue may bring one person to their edge while another remains comfortably within their experience. Another circumstance may have the opposite effect on the same two people.

Where you meet your edge makes no difference. The experience of meeting it is the point. Your life is a journey of meeting your edge again and again, coming up against the limit of your current experience. As Pema points out, that’s where you’re challenged. That’s where you grow. That’s where, if you allow it, you experience the full richness of your life.

Your edge is as unique as your individual experience. I imagine it as a thin, curving line that closes on itself on a flat plane. I stand inside that shape. All of my life experience is enclosed by my edge. Everything beyond my direct experience is beyond my edge. So in some areas, areas where I have a lot of experience, my edge stretches out a great distance. In other areas, where I have very little, it is much closer. In either case, and everywhere in between, I can meet my edge by going to the limit of my personal experience in that area.

Renunciation deals with coping with the limits of your experience, where you meet your edge, where you get stuck, unable to move forward. Then, as "Taming Worry - The Practice" describes in detail, it is a two step process. The first is awareness - awareness that being stuck at your edge means you are saying "no" to whatever or whomever would allow you to move beyond it. The second step follows awareness and involves a softening of your thinking to the point where you are willing to say "yes." "Yes" to whatever is holding you back. "Yes" to whatever is preventing you from bringing this challenge into your experience and expanding your edge outward to encompass it. "Yes" to whomever could help you move forward.

The next time you feel stuck, swirling in a whirlpool of worrisome thoughts, or up against a brick wall, feeling stuck with your head spinning, try this. Stop and reframe your situation. Picture yourself safely within the limits of your experience. Picture yourself at your edge, looking out. It's just a line. No mountain. No wall. No whirlpool. Let those old images dissolve away. Lift your head and soften your gaze over that edge to the world of experience beyond your limits. Tame the worry beast by quieting your mind and facing forward. Softly say "yes" to whatever is holding you back. "Yes" to whomever is offering assistance. "Yes" to the fullness and richness of the expansion awaiting you beyond your edge. "Yes" to life.